This is not home

By Jason Mills

WASHINGTON -- The sky was gray today. It was only about 55 degrees, but the air felt crisp and chilly -- like it was December instead of October 1.

While Jason Mills was walking up Wisconsin Ave., he said it felt more like he was "walking down Carson St." -- like he "was on (his) way to visit a friend working at Greecian Land or on (his) way to the Tuscany Cafe' to work on (his) most current writing." He said that the weather reminded him of “home.”

He said he didn't understand. For the past three years he has been fighting it. Telling himself that he hated it. "I hated the gray and the people and the way it made me feel. Now I am in a warming, nourishing, environment, and all I want to do is get back to Pittsburgh. Maybe that is home. I don't really know," Mills said, looking very contemplative; like he was lost; like he didn't know where he was or where he was going.

He says that maybe it's that he knows what to do when he is lonely in Pittsburgh. "I know where to get coffee and I know where the nice park benches are with the pretty views. I know the record stores that make me feel warm. I know where I can find people that want to get half-priced Mexican food after 10 and talk about how (exploitatively deleted) life can really be.”

It is just the first day in October and Mills says he is ready for January when he gets to go home. “Its not that I don’t like it here. I just that I like to pretend that there are people who care about me there.”

last - next