Sincerity, wine drinking, chain-smoking, flower picking, life saving...we miss you.

What the fuck is wrong with me? What has caused me to lose all of the fucking amazing friends I have in Pittsburgh? I want to know what about why my personality makes me defend people from my smile and why people shade from my advice and from my useless chatter and why my friends fend off my hands because they seem like the devil's hands. God, I miss my friends so much.

I miss Sari and all the times we had to sneak around last spring, even if we were just going to the diner. I especially miss when we were singing "Its Cool, We Can Still be Friends" under the covers. I think I still have a few minutes left on the phone card she gave me two nights before I left to go home for the summer. I remember she said, "Make sure you call me this summer."

I miss Sarah and the nights when almost every Thursday night we ate half-priced vegetarian Mexican food; when we drank more than our veins could handle and passed out listening to Billie Holiday. The nights we passed out singing the lyrics from the Bright Eyes album "Letting off the Happiness" and wondering how an 18-year-old boy could seem even more fucked up than we were.

Holy shit I miss my friends and my youth and when my heart was beating. I wish my heart wasn't so self-centered and busy with myself. I would do anything to feel the hapiness and the comfort I felt then. I want you back.

Take me back.

Sarah said in her Diaryland profile last spring after I left to go home for the summer to New Jersey, "Sincerity, wine drinking, chain-smoking, flower picking, life saving...we miss you." Now I am back, and I miss you.

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