the past should stay in the past?

Sometimes the past should stay in the past? That was a rhetorical question, and I don't know the answer.

While she was laying there and I was sitting next to her on the artificial turf of the endzone of the football field on my campus, I couldn't decide the answer to that question. After she got in a cab on Forbes Ave., and I walked back up to my dorm I still couldn't decide if the past should stay in the past.

She called me at 12:30AM, and I thought she was just going to call me and tell me she was in Pittsburgh finally. No. She was calling to tell me she was in the lobby of my dorm at Duquesne. She was downstairs waiting for me to come out and greet her. Surprise.

She had gone to Poker Night at Craig's house on South Side and hadn't received the welcome that she thought she would. I think deep in her heart she thinks everyone still sits around and thinks and cares about her like they used to, but they don't. I know they don't. I think I am the only one who never got over her leaving.

She told me no one even really talked to her at Craig's and she left after a half an hour. It was too early for her to go back to where she was staying, so she decided to just walk to my school. Surprise.

We just walked around my campus. We just walked back and fourth in about a 200 yard radius. Just talking. We eventually decided to sit down in the corner of the endzone of the football field. Her eyes are even worse than mine and when she say down she was surprised to be sitting on green rubber instead of green grass.

We just sat there together and we talked. I don't remember what we talked about. Nothing that was important. She did most of the talking. I hate to admit it to myself, but there was nothing special about any of it. I tried to pretend that it was the same as it used to be, but it wasn't. It wasn't even close.

We sat there for about two hours and talked about everything that is going on in our lives. She dictated her beliefs and theories to me as I day-dreamed and didn't pay attention. I told a few stories that didn't really mean anything. She just talked and I thought about reaching over to take hold of her hand, but I never did.

She said she likes The Faint patch on my bag, and I told her happy birthday. I took the pins off and when she wasn't looking slipped it into her bag. My thinking was, "She sent me the greatest birthday present I have ever gotten. I should give her this." I know it sounds shallow, but I wish I hadn't given it to her. It was my only patch, my bag looks bare without it now. And I just don't know how much I really care anymore.

When she got into her cab and left, I just said goodnight and told her I would see her tomorrow. When I said it, I just felt numb. I don't know why. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. My insides just felt numb and void of anything.

I think I know the answer to my question now: should the past stay in the past? I don't know if it should stay in the past, but I know now that the past is completely different than the present. Things and feelings aren't the same. I wish they were.

{(Kind of Like Spitting - A Shaggy Dog Shames His Owner)}

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