What it feels like to feel like this.

I am very lost right now, and its hard to say why I have started so many entries with that same line, but I really am. What am I doing? I think to an extent I am torturing myself for unknown reasons. I say that I am lonely, but I do that to myself. I am trying not to make any contact with anyone because I am scared to be social. I noticed before that while I was walking I had a choice to take one sidewalk of the other, and I chose the one which I could walk alone instead of the one with three girls on it. I found myself feeling somewhat scared to walk past them. I almost feel like I am beginning to create some sort of social anxiety in my head. That is somewhat scary to me. I don't know what I am going to do. One thing I can do is start trying to transfer from this place to somewhere where I will do it all over again. Be lonely and depressed. Will there really be any difference from where I am now, that is the big question that I need to ask myself.

I know right now that I want to end this phase that I have been going through, but I seriously see no end to it in soon. It is easy enough for me to just call somebody and do something, but I don't want to. I really don't know what my reasons are for this. I don't want to be lonely, but I have chances, not a lot granted, but enough to be able to be gone with how things are going right now. Yet I would just rather sit in my room alone listening to hours of music or reading a book or walking to South Side to get coffee by myself. There is no real happy medium that I can reach here. What am I going to do?

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